Friday November 13, 2020

 I felt very tired last night and went to bed early, hoping I could get up earlier today. But I was still tired this morning and hit the snooze button a few times. I finally woke up at 9:30, just in time for breakfast. 

I was still feeling a little full from yesterday, so I just had one bowl of oatmeal with some apple chunks. I told my Mom to add less water this time, and it tasted a little better than yesterday.

I've been having some issues using the restroom, which is common in anorexics who are just starting recovery, so I suspect that's part of the reason I felt so full and bloated. I finally used the restroom, and I definitely felt like I had more room afterward.

At around 10:45 I had a slice of brownie cheesecake and the rest of the apple chunks that I didn't eat for breakfast. My cheesecake cravings are still there, so I guess I'll try to satisfy them. I was craving regular cake for a long time too, but right now my cheesecake cravings are particularly present. It's funny because I didn't really like cheesecake when I was younger, so I think my palate has gotten more mature.

My Dad and I ate sushi again for lunch. This time, I ordered the Snow White Roll (spicy tuna, cream cheese, and cucumber, with seared tuna and fish roe) and the White Dragon Roll (shrimp tempura and unagi, with an albacore tuna and garlic sauce topping). It was absolutely divine, and I ate all of it. I felt full afterward, but not too stuffed. I used the restroom a lot, and hopefully that's a sign that my digestive system is slowly getting stronger.

I had a snack at around 4:00 pm. I was a little hungry so I made myself a PBJ, and grabbed a chocolate swirl cheesecake slice, a small bowl of veggie chips, and a Ho-Ho. All of it was very tasty, the sweetness of the cheesecake and Ho-Ho contrasted well against the salty crunchiness of the veggie chips, and the PBJ was delicious as usual. I've been mostly following my cravings, hoping that it will help me recover, but I can't help feeling like I'm still eating too much. 

I ate dinner at 6: 00 pm, it was more Chinese food that my Grandma made: shrimp balls, flatbread, an egg and tomato dish with asparagus, and a cold beef dish. It tasted very good.

After dinner, I had a snack at around 8:30. I had some more veggie chips, a slice of raspberry swirl cheesecake, a Twinkie, and a Ho-Ho. I was still hungry, so I made myself a PBJ and grabbed a Danimals smoothie.

I'm going to be really honest here...

I've been coming really close to relapsing, and I'm not sure if I can hold on and stay in recovery. Every day I get more and more scared that I'll get heavier and bulkier and look like I used to. I hated that person with a passion. That person was not me. I don't know who they were or why I was pretending to be them, but that person is not me, and I don't want to ever be associated with them in any way. I'm terrified of becoming that bulky, hulking, broad-shouldered, barrel-chested freak. The round-faced, square-jawed, masculine, loud, aggressive, athletic person. I loved the feeling of being small, thin, and feminine. And I'm hating how it already seems like I've started to slide back to the place I worked so hard to escape. Today was a really tough day for me, I didn't do well on my homework and failed to complete it on time, and I think I definitely ate too much. But these stupid cravings won't go away, and I've lost most of the motivation I had for school at this point. It just seems like recovery isn't making anything better, and I miss how feminine and waify I felt just a few days ago, when I was 93.75 lbs. I don't even want to weigh myself anymore now, because I'm terrified of finding out how much progress I lost. I'm not sure if I even want to continue this journal. All I see is me being an undisciplined, bingeing failure, who eats way too much and is rapidly on track to become that "person," that monster, that I hated and feared. Maybe Ana was my friend all along. At this point I'm too tired and sad to tell. I just want to sleep and not wake up for a long, long time. I hope tomorrow is a better day.