Saturday November 14, 2020

This morning I wasn't feeling that hungry, so I had half a bag of oatmeal with some pancake balls. It tasted okay.

At 12:00, my Dad and I got sushi again, and I ordered the White Dragon Roll (same as yesterday) and the Bay Scallop Roll (California Roll topped with a scallop). Both of them tasted good, and I ate it all. I felt a bit heavy after.

My mental health hasn't been very good and I'm scared of gaining weight and looking like that bulky, stocky person that I can't believe used to call themselves "me". I've been very close to relapsing and I'm terrified because I don't want to be stuck forever in the anorexic, restrictive mindset, but I also don't want to gain weight, have my face bulge out like misshapen dough, and my body become even more barrel-chested and broad-shouldered. I don't want to feel like a hulking freak. I just want to feel small and feminine. 

We were supposed to go to Costco today to buy some food, but I was too scared so I ended up not going. I went for a 1.2 mile walk instead. I also skipped my afternoon snack. I'm thinking maybe it was too much to have 6 meals a day anyway, because I wasn't really hungry. But also I know that this is relapse creeping back in and I'm not sure what to do.

I wasn't in the mood for dinner, but I ate anyway, at around 7:45. I had some chicken alfredo from Costco, some greens, and some Chinese cold beef. Everything was very tasty, especially the chicken alfredo which I have not had in a long time. It was very rich and creamy, which made me worried about calories, but it tasted very delicious. I also had a Chocolate Dream Flute from Costco, which was good, but a bit too rich. It had too much whipped cream for me and my stomach hurt a little after.

Then we walked Sparky and played cards and cornhole. I ate two snacks in rapid succession which made me feel like I binged and lost control.

At 9:00, I had a PBJ, a little beer jerky, a small bowl of veggie chips, and a Ho-Ho. All of it was very good, the beef jerky was soft and not too tough. I felt physically full, but my mind was craving more.

At 10:00, I had a small bowl of chicken alfredo, another PBJ, another Chocolate Dream Flute, and a Danimals smoothie. Although everything tasted good, I felt really full and bloated after this meal, and I was disappointed in myself for bingeing on snacks. 

I found a meal plan that I think I'll use starting tomorrow. It makes sure I get 1600 calories, which is around my TDEE. I don't want to go over too much and binge, but I also don't want to go into relapse. 1600 calories might be low by recovery standards, but I'm scared of pushing it higher because it would make me want to relapse more. So for now, I'm hoping this meal plan will give me some peace and balance.