Thursday November 12, 2020

This morning I had to wake up at 7:45 for my morning class. I felt a little sleepy because I only got around six and a half hours of sleep. I had a little more energy than before (when I was restricting), but I still found myself zoning out occasionally.

At 9:30, I had a break, so I ate breakfast. I had a bowl of oatmeal and an apple. The oatmeal was nice, as it had some added cinnamon flavor, so it wasn't too bland. The apple paired well with the oatmeal. I also drank some water.

After my second class, my Dad and I ordered sushi. There were a lot of items on the menu that I couldn't choose between, because they all looked so good. I restricted for a long time, so my mind was really craving the sushi. It took about 25 minutes for our order to be ready.

My Dad ordered a salmon entrée and I ordered two sushi rolls. I had the Three Amigos Roll (three types of raw fish with cucumber and a creamy spicy sauce), and the Marilyn Monroll (shrimp tempura with crab, avocado, and creamy scallops and fish roe). There were 14 pieces in total, and I was able to eat all of them. Both of the rolls were really delicious, especially with a little bit of soy sauce and wasabi. I also drank a lot of water. I felt very full after eating the whole thing, but not too bloated.

I had a snack at around 3 pm, consisting of a PBJ, raspberry cheesecake slice, and a Nutella & Go, with pretzel sticks. It might have been a bit too much, because I felt really full and a little bloated afterward. But all of it tasted very good. 

My Dad and I went to Safeway to buy some eggs, and this time I didn't buy any food because I already had some snacks at home, and also I was still full. I had to walk very slowly because I felt a bit heavy after my snack. It's hard to find the balance between eating until I'm full, and not eating too much, because my mind is still hungrier than my stomach right now.

After we got home, I had dinner at around 5:45. My Grandma made some Chinese food the other day, so I ate some of that on a cute little tray. I really love compartmentalized meals, and it makes eating more enjoyable for me. 

I'm still struggling with letting myself eat more. It's something that will take me a long time to work on, because I'm scared of getting larger and looking bulkier. I really really don't want to look bulky or chubby, or stocky. I know last time it was because I made the wrong choices after recovery, but I'm still really anxious about it. I don't want to be big or large or strong. If I could be healthy, but small and thin, I would be much happier. I think I'll keep on trying to recover and convince myself to eat more, but it's very difficult sometimes. Hopefully I won't balloon up and become bulky, it would be so hard not to relapse if that were to happen.

For my snack I had a Twinkie, a Luna Protein Bar, and some veggie chips. They tasted really good, including the protein bar. Normally protein bars taste a little "grainy" to me but this one had a nice texture. My parents and I walked Sparky and played some cornhole afterwards. We played 5 rounds in total. My Dad was in the lead but I ended up winning by a point in the last round. I'm not very competitive, but it was fun to spend some time with my family, and it took my mind off of food and anorexia for a couple of minutes.

I was still hungry for some reason so I ate a Ho-Ho and some more veggie chips. My stomach was kind of full, but my brain kept wanting more. It's still hard for me to let myself eat more, because I'm really scared of looking stocky or bulky. 

For my last meal of the day, I had two slices of cheesecake: one was a chocolate brownie flavor and the other was the plain one. I also had a Danimals smoothie, some more veggie chips, and a Reese's Big Peanut Butter Cup. All of it tasted nice but afterward I felt bloated and a little sad. I keep on thinking I'm eating too much and I have to fight the urge to restrict. Since I ended up eating 7 meals and snacks today, my mind was telling me I failed and I ate too much. I think I just have to keep on working on it. 

I'm feeling a little sluggish and tired now, maybe it was because I had a little too much sugar and carbs. I made myself get two slices of cheesecake because I was craving it earlier and I didn't want to restrict. I had put one slice on my plate and was going to put the rest away but my brain really wanted more so I added another slice. Now I'm thinking that it may have been a bit much because I feel a bit heavy and bloated, but if it helps me overcome my anorexia, then I guess it was worth it. It did taste rather nice, too. My ribcage is sticking out and it's been bothering me. Body checking is another bad habit that I need to break.