Tuesday November 10, 2020

This morning I started my recovery from anorexia. I'm a little nervous about the physical and mental side effects and potential relapses, but I'm also relieved that I'm willing to get better, and take the first steps toward being healthy. I know it'll be hard at first, but it's going to be worth it in the end.

I've been eating my first meal fairly late, originally as an attempt to get away with fewer meals a day, but now more out of habit, so I had my first meal at 1 pm. 

For "breakfast," or I guess brunch, I had dumplings, that my Mom made. They were a little tough and chewy but still very tasty. I was able to get myself to eat ten of them, which I was happy with, because while I was restricting I would only let myself have four, and even then, most of the time I wouldn't be able or willing to finish all of them. I also mixed together a little soy sauce and vinegar in a cute little sauce dish on the side, and had some Crystal Geyser water. My tongue hurt a little from the Icebreakers I abused to lose weight, but overall I enjoyed eating this very much. I subconsciously thought that my first recovery meal would hold symbolic weight, and I was right! Dumplings or jiao zi have been one of my favorite foods ever since I was a child.

After my late breakfast, I went to Safeway with one of my friends. I'm very happy I mustered the courage to tell some of them what I was struggling with because they've been nothing but supportive. I'm so thankful I have them. My parents too, even though we haven't gotten along due to them being worried about my food intake and me being annoyed by it. I understand that they just want to help me and see me happy and healthy, so I'll try to be more patient, loving, and kind.

At Safeway, there were so many food options! After restricting for so long, I felt overwhelmed! Delicious goodies everywhere! My extreme hunger was telling me to buy everything and eat it all, but I needed to control my urges so my stomach can slowly adapt to eating more. Because I had restricted for so long, I didn't want to risk refeeding syndrome. Still, I bought a lot of good foods. In the past, when I was restricting, all I would buy were Icebreakers (low calorie, good for losing weight and spitting out weight), and thin, healthy chocolates. Those are good, and I might buy some eventually, but right now I still have a negative association with them because they were my restrictive "safe foods," and because my tongue hurts from the Icebreakers still. 

I ended up buying:

• 1 loaf of Butter Top Enriched Wheat Bread
• 1 jar of Skippy Creamy Peanut Butter
• 1 jar of Smucker's Low Sugar Strawberry Jelly
• a pack of Pumpkin Spice Twinkies
• a pack of Ho-Ho's
• a pack of Danimals Smoothies
• a Variety Cheesecake Tray (small)
• 2 Reese's Big Peanut Butter Cups
• 2 York Peppermint Patties
• 2 Nutella & Go snacks: 1 Breadsticks, 1 Pretzels

Writing it down, it seems like a lot, but I will space it out so I don't eat too much too quickly. A lot of these foods are the ones I craved during my extreme hunger pangs, like the PBJ, cheesecake, and snack cakes. Others like the yogurt I feel like would be good in recovery; I saw that many meal plans included it, so I figured I should have some. Probiotics are good for the stomach. I looked at, but decided not to buy, a Key Lime Pie slice and a Lemon Cream Pie. I felt like I would be too much too quickly, especially because they were designed to be eaten in one serving.

I bought a small black coffee at Starbucks for my Dad (I don't really drink coffee), and my friend got a chocolate brownie. My other friend works there so we also said hi to him.

My friend and I then went to Walgreens, right across the parking lot, and I bought a Body Armor Orange Mango electrolyte drink, and a blueberry Nutri-Grain Bar. I remember eating those during lunch at school, so they were something I wanted to try again.

Overall, not that a bad of a shopping trip!

After I got home I talked to my parents for a bit, explaining that I was eating too little and my body and health were getting worse, but that I've committed to eating more and recovering. We hugged and then I went upstairs to have my first snack.

For my first snack, I had a Pumpkin Spice Twinkie, a York Peppermint Pattie, and the Body Armor electrolyte drink. The Pumpkin Spice Twinkie was really good, the flavor didn't come through immediately but once it did, the creme filling and the sponge cake melded together really nicely. I really enjoyed it. The Peppermint Pattie wasn't amazing, which is partly my fault because I've never enjoyed them that much anyway, but I wanted to try one. Still, I forced myself to finish it because I wanted to break my habit of spitting out food and throwing it away. The electrolyte drink was nice and refreshing. 

I'm going to temporarily go against the advice of not counting calories because I wanted to point something out: my snack was 400 calories in total. That alone is more than the number of calories I've eaten in the past two days combined, and more calories than I would let myself eat in a day for the past month, if not longer. 

It's crazy to think that I tried to survive on so little, but anorexia does that for you, it clouds your judgment and punishes your body. In general, from now on I'll be either avoiding counting calories at all, or only counting very loosely (since I don't want to binge or eat too much too quickly and induce refeeding syndrome or stomach pains). My upper limit will be something like 5,000 or 6,000 calories a day, but even that will be flexible if I'm hungry. The purpose of counting calories from now on will not be to restrict, it will be to prevent refeeding syndrome and stomach problems at the beginning of my recovery journey.

My second meal of the day was at 6:30, but I guess you can't call that "lunch"... So this meal will be "dinner" and the third meal will be "supper". 

Dinner was this amazing hot pot style soup that Mom made. It was delicious! For the first time in a while, I didn't restrict myself at all! I had some beef, two types of fish balls, tofu, mushrooms, and a bunch of vegetables all in a mushroom soup base. I couldn't finish the whole thing because it was too much for my stomach, which is still small. But I managed to eat most of the beef and tofu, and all of the fish balls. I also ate a lot of the vegetables and mushrooms. I'm happy that I stopped eating out of fullness, not restriction, even if my stomach capacity has been reduced a lot. I will be working on that, slowly. But for now, that was a scrumptious and very filling meal. Hot pot also carries symbolism and importance to me, because it is one of my favorite foods, and I have countless memories of spending time with my family and my friends around a big, bubbling hot pot full of delicious ingredients.

I may have ate just a little too much because I'm feeling very stuffed right now. Hopefully my stomach and digestive system will steadily adapt.

After dinner, my parents helped me take out the trash. Because I spit out so many Icebreakers while I was restricting (sorry, I know it's disgusting), the floor was dirty because the trash can had a hole in it. My Mom helped me clean it up.  After that, we walked the dog and played a few rounds of cards later.

I had my second snack while playing cards. It was a small slice of cheesecake (plain), one Ho-Ho, a Danimals smoothie, and some water. The cheesecake was really delicious. It was sweet, but not overwhelmingly so. The crust had a nice texture to compliment the soft but dense cheesecake. It was very rich, but I only had half of a regular slice, so I didn't feel too full after. The smoothie was good, a little thick, but sweet and fruity. The Ho-Ho tasted a little processed, but it was pretty good, too.

I'm surprised that my stomach handled it pretty well, since I ate at just after 8:30, only two hours after my large dinner portion left me feeling very stuffed. Now my stomach feels a little better, which is good. So far, the bloating and heaviness is only there a little bit, and I feel better than expected after two full meals and two snacks. Hopefully, I can continue to pace myself and not binge, so my stomach keeps on healing.

I ate my final meal of the day, "supper", I guess, at 10 pm. I had a small bowl of hot pot soup from dinner with a few fishballs and some other ingredients. I also had a PBJ sandwich. I used the ingredients I bought from Safeway, the whole wheat butter bread, creamy peanut butter, and strawberry jelly. It tasted good, but the bread was a little dry and the crust was hard to bite through. I felt very full and satisfied after. I did need to use the restroom and am still dealing with (tmi) constipation, but overall, my stomach felt pretty good today. Full, but good. My tongue still hurts a little bit from the abuse it endured, but that's getting better too. I am happy with the progress I made today, and thankful for all my friends and family for supporting me.

My future journal entries will probably be a lot shorter, as I still need to do my school assignments, but I will try to post at least the pictures or descriptions of what I ate. Hopefully, this will help keep me accountable when it comes to food and recovery.