Tuesday November 17, 2020

Today is exactly one week after I started recovery. I'm still not sure what I should be doing, but at least I'm eating a little more. I'm just terrified of getting too bulky and stocky and masculine. I really want to find a balance where I can stay small and thin, but healthy. I've been following my meal plan, but I'm not sure if 1800 is the right amount. I feel like it is, or it's pretty close, but a large portion of my 1800 calories has been from super processed foods (to satisfy my cravings), so I think if I'm not feeling full enough, it's because I ate too many of those and not enough of the low-calorie, nutrient dense foods.

For breakfast I had some apple cinnamon oatmeal. It tasted really good and I enjoyed it a lot. I'm starting to really like oatmeal. Breakfast was 160 calories.

For lunch, I had hot pot soup again, a nice big bowl. I couldn't quite finish the whole thing, but I ate most of it. Lunch was probably 400 calories.

For my snack, I was feeling hungry, so I ate at 2:30. I had yogurt and a 3 Musketeers bar. It was amazing! But I feel like anorexia has been creeping up again through my desire to stay small and feminine. It's been really hard to make this decision, but I will probably stop counting calories here. Temporarily, at least, until my extreme hunger goes away. But I will still try to log what I eat so I can at least keep track of it and not go crazy and eat way too much. I'm still very worried that I'll look bulky, but one that's helped me is that I know that my body needs fuel for its "second puberty" and for stuff like hip growth. So it counterbalances my fear of gaining weight, kind of. I still know that I probably won't like how I look at all, especially my face, at a higher weight, but while I can always lose weight later, and do it healthily, I only have a limited window of time for hip growth and maximizing the effects of "second puberty". Hopefully this will alleviate my fear of eating more, because I think I was trying to cover it up with the guise of "eating healthy" and counting calories. It's important to eat healthy, of course, but anorexia was using it as a hiding place, an excuse to restrict and feel guilty. So in order to overcome anorexia, and be able to experience hip growth, I guess for now, I have to just let myself eat without shame or restriction. Historically, while I've always enjoyed good food, I've never been officially overweight in my life, so hopefully this trend continues. I have been a lot heavier and bulkier than I would have liked, but I have to keep in mind that not only was I running on testosterone, but I was also eating 3,000-3,500+ calories a day and actively lifting weights and strength training. So hopefully, even if I don't restrict at all and eat as much as I want, I won't go back to that weight or size. It's still a really hard thing for me to do, as feelings of shame and guilt will inevitably creep up, but I will try to resist the urges to relapse, and continue to work toward recovery.

I had another yogurt, a small square of the tres leches cake, and a small slice of the dark chocolate raspberry cake. I tried not to feel too guilty after I ate it all.

At 4:45, I went to the mall with my Mom and Dad to pick up my new phone. I'm saving it until Christmas, but we picked it up today. Afterward, we walked around and did a little shopping. We bought a bowling set, and some holiday popcorn.

Then, we got some burgers from Buckhorn Grill. My Dad and I got the two-for-one deal, mine was cooked medium and his was well-done. We drove home to eat.

My burger was pretty tasty. I thought it could have used a little more sauce, but it was still good overall. There was a good balance between patty and bun, and the vegetables weren't too limp. The sauce was a creamy, slightly sweet sauce. It wasn't bad, I just wished there was a little more.

I was still feeling a little hungry so I had an ice cream sandwich, a Nutri-Grain bar, a Twinkie, and a Ho-Ho. Hopefully my extreme hunger cravings lessen soon, but in the meantime, I'm trying to just eat without restriction. So I ate all of it.

I craved a little more, so I had a bowl of veggie chips, a small plate of beef jerky, and another Ho-Ho. I felt pretty full after that.

My Mom and I took out the trash, then we went out to walk Sparky with my Dad, but I got scared because there were so many worms. I panicked and decided I wanted to go back home. My Mom walked the dog while I went on the stationary bike for 20 minutes. My parents set up the bowling set, and started practicing.

At 9:00, I had an ice cream sandwich while we played cards. My Mom suggested I try a Persimmon, so I did. It was sweet, but kind of slimy, so I didn't really like it. 

Afterward, my Dad and I played 5 rounds of bowling. The ball and pins were lighter than expected, but it was still really fun. Sparky kept on standing in the middle and blocking the path. He also chased the ball a lot.

After the game finished, I went upstairs to try and do homework. My sweet cravings seemed to have been replaced with savory cravings, so I had some chicken alfredo, a Chinese egg and chive pocket, some bok choy with beef, and some veggie chips. I felt nice and full afterward, perhaps a little bit stuffed, but not unbearably so.

Hopefully, if I keep on eating without restriction, my extreme hunger and cravings will go away, and I can start eating a normal amount without feeling hungry again. It will probably take some time though, so I just have to be patient and forgiving when I eat a lot. I can't let myself feel really guilty and let anorexic thoughts creep back in. I can't give in to the urge to restrict, or else my condition will never get better. I just have to convince myself that my body needs fuel for "second puberty" and not for bulking.