Wednesday November 11, 2020

Today was Veterans Day so I didn't have class. I was behind on some lectures though, so I watched one while drinking this spicy ginger drink my Mom made. It was a bit too strong for my taste, but I finished most of it.

At 11:30, my Dad and I went to McDonald's, which was something I've looked forward to for a while. It's hard to break the habit of counting calories, and I found myself doing it again. I was overthinking and worrying how many calories I could eat. In the end, I allowed myself to get a chocolate chip cookie and a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, which was a small victory for me.

I ended up eating the Quarter Pounder, chocolate chip cookie, and some snacks from home: carrot chips, a multigrain crispy roll, and a Danimals smoothie. I also had some water. The Quarter Pounder was absolutely delectable. The bun was so soft, and the cheese was perfectly melted. The toppings and the beef melded together amazingly. It was much better than I expected. The chocolate chip cookie was a bit cold, but still nice and soft. It was sweet but not too sweet, and there was a generous amount of chocolate. I like softer, chewier cookies more than crunchy ones, so I enjoyed the cookie a lot too. The carrot chips were a little lacking in flavor but still tasted okay, and the multigrain roll was pretty good as well. I was a little thirsty after and the smoothie and water did a good job of quenching my thirst. 

It's been hard for me to accurately gauge how much my stomach can hold. At McDonald's, I worried that my order wouldn't be enough, since back when I used to eat a lot more, I could handle three or four burgers, plus chicken nuggets, fries, and a drink. Today I only bought one burger and a cookie, but it turns out that I estimated my stomach capacity pretty well. After eating everything, I felt comfortably full. Hopefully, I can continue to take it slow, and not rush into bingeing or eating too much too quickly. (But also not restrict).

I watched some lectures and took a walk, and then Mom, Dad, and I went to San Francisco Premium Outlets in Livermore. My parents went to buy shoes while I got a pretzel at Auntie Anne's. Originally, I didn't know what to choose. The original and jalapeño cheddar pretzels looked appetizing, but so did the pretzel dog and pretzel bites. At the store, I was nervous and I kind of blanked out, so I ended up ordering the first thing I thought of, which was the original pretzel. I got it with salt on top. I was fighting my urge to restrict (the pretzel bites had 30 more calories), but it's okay, hopefully this will get better with time. 

The pretzel was delicious! The texture was so perfect, with just enough firmness and plenty of softness. The pretzel was so warm and the salt complimented the sweetness of the dough very well. It did have a slightly salty aftertaste, but it was hardly noticeable. I literally started crying after a few bites, but not out of sadness. I had gone through a lot, anorexia being one of my struggles, but there were and are other deeply personal issues that I recently started taking steps to fix. I was just overcome by a wave of emotions brought out by the nostalgic taste of the pretzel, and I started tearing up.

The mall was very spread out, so by the time I reunited with my parents, I was already halfway done with the pretzel. The line for the shoe store (UGG) was really long because they had a sale, so my parents decided to buy ice cream instead. My Dad bought one scoop of pistachio ice cream and one scoop of mango sorbet. Then we went back home.

I was feeling nice and full after finishing my pretzel, but when we got home, I was a little hungry again. After an internal debate, I decided to eat the Nutri-Grain Bar. It was very good, just like I remembered from high school.

I ate dinner at 6:30, and had the same thing I did yesterday--hot pot style soup, except with some noodles and some more beef. It tasted really good, although the noodles kind of fell apart easily. I also drank some water. After dinner, my Mom, my Dad, and I walked Sparky together.

I had a snack at around 9:00, while we were playing cards. It was a chocolate swirl cheesecake and a Reese's Big Peanut Butter Cup, and some water.

Earlier, I was struggling a bit with feelings of restriction because I was worried about eating more than 2,000 calories a day. I thought it was too much because growing up I was taught that the average American needs 2,000 calories a day. I've always been smaller than the average American, so I thought that I should always eat less. But I need to remind myself that due to my condition, the rules that would apply in "normal" circumstances don't really apply here. The average American is at a healthy weight, perhaps a little overweight, and even then, overeating every once in a while isn't the end of the world. For me, it's important that I make myself eat more than my anorexic mind wants me to, and stop restricting myself. I have to gain weight, even though I probably won't like how I look if I'm larger. It's for the sake of my health, so I have to keep on working on this particular hurdle. Eventually I'll need to find a balance between restricting and overeating, but for now, while I start to recover, I have to let myself eat more, even if that means going above 2,000 calories a day. It's just hard to do that without feeling "dirty", or like I overate.

For my final meal of the day, I tried to ignore my urge to restrict. I ended up eating a small bowl of leftovers from dinner, a bowl of veggie chips, and a lava custard mooncake. The leftovers were tasty, my Mom added a shrimp ball to the noodles and other ingredients, and it had a really nice umami flavor. The veggie chips were better than I expected, with a nice crunch and flavor to them. They are also high in fiber, so hopefully they will help alleviate any bloating. The mooncake was okay, the custard paste was made of egg yolk which I didn't realize. Normally I don't really like the egg yolk mooncakes, as they taste kind of weird to me. This mooncake also tasted a little off because I wasn't expecting the egg yolk taste. I still ate the whole thing, and it wasn't awful, but I felt really full afterward, and my stomach started to hurt a little. 

I went on a walk with my Dad and then my parents and I played cornhole, which my Mom set up. It was very fun, but I still needed to study for classes. Since today was a holiday, I had a little more time, but in the future, I might have to be a little more concise in my journal entries. I will still be trying to write an entry every day though, because it keeps me accountable and helps my recovery. Tomorrow we're getting sushi, which I'm really looking forward to.